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Compassionate Communication, based on Nonviolent
Communication(TM), a system of communication developed over the last
30 years by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., is a way of communicating
that has made a tremendous contribution to my life and the lives
of many others, helping us to empathize more fully, to feel more
empathic with ourselves, and to feel deeper connections with others.
The intention of a Nonviolent Communication
is to support true understanding and deep connection. Part of
this process happens non-verbally through tone of voice and facial
expression. The other part is supported tremendously by a form
of verbal communication that helps one get one's needs met by
expressing needs directly and making requests, rather than
trying to motivate people by using judgments, criticisms and analyses.
When listening to others, a person practicing Nonviolent Communication
pays attention to hearing and understanding the underlying needs
and emotions of the other person, rather than to the
thoughts, judgments and/or analyses of that person. This tends to
create an amazing amount of deep connection between both parties.
A nonviolent communication is made up of four
parts. Awareness of these fours parts is important when communicating
with or listening to others and even when communicating with oneself.
These four parts are the following:
1) Observation
2) Feeling(s)
3) Need(s)
4) Request
HERE IS A COMMUNICATION THAT CAN BE BROKEN DOWN INTO THE FOUR PARTS
"When I saw you leave the room without saying
good-bye to me, I felt really anxious and confused, because I
was hoping we had healed things between us. I would like some
clarity here. Would you be willing to take a few minutes right
now to tell me how you feel?"
OBSERVATION
"When I saw you leave the room without saying good-bye"
is the observation. As you may notice, the speaker is owning the
observation ("When I saw...") and is also reporting it without judgment
("...leave the room without saying good-bye to me."). Sharing an observation
in this way tends to be easy for someone to listen to.
FEELINGS
"I felt really anxious and confused..." (When someone shares their
emotions, it can tend to stimulate more connection and empathy
between people as well.)
NEED(S)
"I would like some clarity here". This is the general
need that the speaker has at this moment. It is a universal need.
Anyone might have a need for clarity at any given moment.
REQUEST
"Would you be willing to take a few minutes right now to
tell me how you feel?" This is a connecting request that can be responded
to immediately. It's a "do-able" request. Another request (an action request) could be: "Would you be willing to set a time with
me during the next week to talk to me about your feelings?"
If the request cannot be responded to immediately,
it is not useful. For example, a request like, "Would you
be willing to commit to keeping me updated with respect to your feelings on a regular basis?" is not a do-able
request, because it is vague and unrealistic; it refers more to a general behavior
pattern than an action.
A question that you might be asking is: What if a
person says "no" to my request? I am afraid I might
say something very hurtful if my request is denied.
In Nonviolent Communication, if your request
is denied, you can do several things to remain in connection with
that person rather than to judge them, pushing them away from you,
and still not meeting your needs.
You can ask them, "What needs are you in touch with
right now that is making you say "no" to my request?"
Or, you might ask, "What would you need
to see, hear or feel (choose whichever word best fits) from me to be able to say 'yes'
to my request?"
Or, you can ask, "Is there another way that
I could express myself that would help you feel more open to hearing
or saying 'yes' to my request?"
There are also other possible responses to hearing a
"no." What I am seeking to have you understand at this
moment is that there are many possible ways of staying connected
to someone, even if they say "no" to your request. A good
portion of staying connected to someone may involve addressing
the needs and feelings of the person you were just talking to.
The process of using these four parts of the Nonviolent
Communication process can be directed towards listening to others, where
you are seeking to understand what observation triggered them,
what feelings and needs they are aware of and whether there is
a request they would like to make. This is a way of taking the
conversation out of attack and defense when that person's needs
are not being met.
Additionally, these four parts of a conversation
can also occur between two parts of yourself! You can notice something
that you are doing, ask yourself what you are feeling or needing,
and then, make a request of yourself.
For example, I might talk to myself in this
way: Lori, when I see you ordering this ice cream dessert, I feel
worried that you will eat the whole thing. I am wanting to preserve
the figure that I have now. Would you be willing to eat only half
of this dessert and then throw the rest of it away?
If I said "yes" to myself, both sides
of myself would be then at peace.
If I said "no" to this request of
myself, I would then need to look into what was motivating me
to say "no" to this request. Let us say that I feel
anxious about "wasting food." Then, maybe if I was with
a friend, a strategy I might choose would be to split the dessert.
Otherwise, if this need was very strong, maybe I could request
a special extra small portion from the restaurant. Possible strategies
can be numerous. The point I am trying to make here is that paying
attention to needs and feelings can open up a lot of space for
creative strategies to come through. And perhaps you are noticing the importance of requests; they are really just strategies for meeting our needs.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO LEARN MORE ABOUT NVC AND COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION
Join me on some of my future
conference calls on Compassionate Communication.
Come to the evenings and day-long workshops
at Celebrations of Love. See our Calendar
for our variety of classes in NVC and Compassionate Communication
taught by myself, Scott Catamas, Ritch Davidson and Phil Willcher.
Purchase NVC books, CD's, and DVD's
from our online store.
Visit websites for
the NVC national office, the Center for Nonviolent Communication (http://www.cnvc.org), and for the NVC local office, Bay NVC (www.baynvc.org).
I hope
we will share even more in the future. If you would like to set
up a private appointment with me, you may call me at my home number
which is 415-435-2583.
Have a wonderful day! And may love bloom in
your heart,
Lori Grace Star
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